To be prepared for war, is one of the most effectual means of preserving the peace.Pick my mind clean of all things neat and green.
I think I might be going mildly insane.
I’ve always felt like it really, I dance between being to optimistic and too pessimistic. I hop around motivation and a deep lackluster form of depression. Somedays I feel like quitting my job, school, everything and running off to live in a whole in the middle of the ocean.
I dream of being productive and fitting into some mold where I can finally be happy, yet at the end of the day sometimes I think of killing myself.
Who knows where this world leads, if the aurora lights will ever shine on my pale skin, if I will ever climb up a mountain, fit in a size 4 dress, eat food with out thinking, dance in the middle of the rain with no cares, have children who I brush the hair of and see the world in their eyes.
Best friends don’t exist in my world, everything is temporary, everyone leaves, everyone dies. I think of what it would be like to kill someone, bloody or not, just the image of their life leaving their eyes.
This isn’t normal and this isn’t good but I can’t change the way I exist. I want to sit in the dark, a hundred candles dripping wax while I sink face first into a pool of cold water, the rush of my skin against ice, the feel of my face pressed to the bottom, my lungs hurting from the strain of no oxygen, heart beating fast as panic sets in. Then I’ll slowly emerge and I will feel the cold air dance across my goosebump ridden skin.
I think I just want to feel alive.
I think I miss drugs.
Or violence, I want to feel the rush of pain from being beat, the bloody taste in my mouth when my lips busted. Searing burn from a slap, anything I want to feel anything